One girl.One fight.

This is neither a happy post, nor exciting.

It is about me and her – the disease.

My fight for 5 years now with anorexia and bulimia.

I wanted to lose weight and I did it in the wrong way.  I went through a lot of diets – from healthy to extreme ones. At the end I was skinny and more than happy, or at least I thought that way. Unfortunately, after a while I realized that I cannot eat like a normal person any more – all was for calories, way of cooking, amount of oil, size of portions and eating itself. I was totally scared of food (no matter watermelon or a huge steak) and I was feeling better when I was starving, as long as I stay skinny. Thus, with a height of 167cm my weight was 38kg.

At that time, I started feeling sick, not only my body was ruined but my mentality as well. As I was hungry all the time, I started thinking only about food. Whenever I tried to eat I found it wrong and throw up. I did not have desire for life at all! I stopped visiting university and skipped the year. It was a huge fail as I was performing excellent. It was high time for me to do something and I started visiting a psychic for 6 months. I stopped because I thought I was better – fail. I started eating and I gained a few kilograms and I got totally crazy.  Things got bad again and I decided to start taking the medicine on my own – another fail!

I hated myself for whatever I was doing, because I was able to realize everything, but I was not able to help myself. I could see how skinny I am, but at the same time the disease was telling me that I am fat. It takes control of your thoughts and who you are, your life is not any more “your”. The worst part is that it really affects your relationship with the people you love. You let the days go by and you do not live your life. You just survive. I used to get up from bed, just because I had to and do nothing all day, but wait for the night to come so that I can sleep and not think at all. It was painful to see how life goes on without you, you are left behind and do not have the energy to run and fight for it.

There were times when I tried to change whatever was going on. I was excited – to start studying, find a job, go on unplanned vacations, go to Alaska, go to the Caribbean.. The excitement vanished fast, everything was temporary. I was trying to feel good for a while and then back to the bottom, feeling like a shit. Actually, even when I was feeling better I was thinking when, what, how much I eat – all the time. It seemed that I was never really happy no matter where, what, who..these thoughts were chasing me like crazy.

When you go to places in order to find happiness, you have to remember that wherever you go, you bring with you – YOU! Yes, simple as that. You have to find the peace, love and happiness within yourself.

The last stop was when I started working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean and Bahamas (later on more about life on a cruise ship) in March, 2016 – there I hit the bottom of the bottom. By that time I was already with healthy weight. However, I left after three months only (the contract is 6-8). I did not expect what I got there, I felt stressed and under constant pressure. Thus, from not eating I started overeating and throwing up – that was quite often.

I came back home, in Bulgaria. I spent one month on a fruit fast in Dr. Emilova’s Wellness Clinic. The day starts with morning exercises, Tibetan rituals and yoga assanas. The program includes daily walks and treks, sport and folk dances, calanetics, yoga and water gymnastics. In addition to that you eat nothing but fruits for 20 days. I finished the program and I was feeling and looking great. I though I was doing great – one more fail. Things got back to what was “normal” for me.

I consider 2017 as the last chance for me to start thinking about my life and how I want to live it!

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